holiday again..

Holiday has never been such a relieved to me until now. What a semester.
It's the first time for my whole uni life that i felt seriously pressured and demotivated.
I'm just so very thankful it's over. Hopefully, next semester will be better.

Anyway, i'm having one week holiday now. Yea, just a pathetic one week. Start new semester on first week of May. And because it's only a short one week, i've decided not to work. :D
Yesterday was a very very productive day. Went to fix the car, call up ptptn, went for facial, gym and yoga classes.

At night, received a call from Auntie saying Ah Kong got admitted to ICU. Doc says if he get to pass through this 24 hours, he'll be more stable but told us to prepare for the worst. We sort of knew it's about time for him too cos he has been seeing things and saying sorry to the maid. But as of now, 2.10pm, he's still here. But doc said even if he survive this 24 hrs, we're just lengthening his suffering.

Truth be told, i wasnt that close to Ah kong. Mum's dad. Only visit him once a month and usually doesnt talk much. Ah Kong is a very quiet person. But i'm sad to see mum getting sad. When my mum's godmother pass away end of the year last year, it was a 'happy' one cos she lived till 103 years old and she once told us, it's time for her to go. So, we were all very very prepared.
I guess it's the same thing for Ah Kong too. At least i believe if we let him go, he can go peacefully without anything left in the world to worry about.

Snap me out of it!

Finals are coming soon. Another 4 more days!! And i'm only 20% there.
I'm gonna screw up this semester...seriously.

I can't focus. Been sleeping, dreaming and sleeping again. Thinking so much nonsense now, real utter nonsense. I need to get that focus back and need it real soon! Counting down to my dooms day. Someone pls snap me out of it!

I need some serious scolding.

My msn list

I just finished reorganising my msn list cos there were too many people that is unknown to me, but still in my list. So, i've created 4 groups and deleted the unimportant people (Sorry!).

1. Family
2. Close Friend - There are 25 ppl in this group.
3. UCSI people
4. Others

Close friend are those that i chat with 99% of the time. So, i would say these are the people that really matters in my life, along with family of course. Well, not all 25 i chat with all the time, some are old friends that once were my soulmates, but lost touch over the years. But they still matters to me. :)

Others are people that i'm not quite sure where i should put them, and i don't have the heart to delete.

My msn list tells where's your position in my life.
Crap, my life is just like MSN. Gets disconnected on and off just like me.

One side of the story.

I've finally figured out something.

I think the problem with me is that i always make a conclusion too fast. I didn't give the other party a chance to clarify and explain themselves. And i sometimes listen to one side of the story.
I realised that yesterday when i confronted that person i mentioned in my last post. The explanation given was very logical and acceptable, under that circumstances. So, i believed that person and i'm trying hard to salvage the friendship, which i think it's not much damaged cos both parties were cool and okay about it. But nonetheless, i hold to my opinion that that person is my 'drug'. As in i know she/he is toxic and hazardous but i can't live without it.

I've always avoided problems instead of solving them. A number of my friends told me that before and i know it's wrong. But i just can't confront and face the problems. So, yesterday was a big step for me. I think i've faced the problem appropriately. I think.

Maybe i should do the same with my uni friends. But it's hard cos so much had happened and i don't know where to start. I did so much mistakes that i don't have the courage to correct and rectify them.

And i get very defensive when people say i'm wrong. Sometimes, i know i'm wrong, but i can't admit it but instead, i defend my position by justifying my actions. It's like "die die also must say i'm right". It's wrong, i know. Do u think i'm ego? I should just admit my mistakes, and apologise, right? I'm just stubborn and ego.

I think it's in my blood. In fact, i think my whole family is like that. We don't talk about our problems, but instead we avoid it. It just seems like a normal thing to do. See what i mean? i'm justifying my egoness and stubbornness again.

Just a phase.

I know. Havent blog for ages.
Just feel so pointless to put down all my thoughts and feelings in here.
So many things had happened. Moved to Cheras, got more and more emo. Probably due to the fact that i have nobody there.

Roommate is ok, very quiet, mind her own business. Barely talk to her. Other housemates are the same. Everyone just mind their own business.
We have our own everything, toilet tissue, dishwasher, detergents etc. Can you imagine 10 people living the house and there's 10 detergents? 10 dishwasher? 10 toilet rolls. 10 everything.

Doesn't help that i had cold wars with my uni friends recently, but things are at least better now. On talking terms but not exactly talking laughing.

Didn't intend to blog about all that cos my blog is already very gloomy but today is just the final straw. I've always thought that no matter what happens there, i'll still have my loyal friends back home, but today something happened and it just hit me. Well, i know that i'll still have good, true and loyal friends but today, i felt like i just lost one.

I feel like i'm nobody to someone important back home. Someone whom i thought will always be a shoulder to cry on and that i can rely on. But today, it just hit me, and i finally realised what others had been trying to tell me. It's not as if it's a sudden realisation from god etc but something happened today.
What i'm feeling right now is like Rihanna's Rehab.

'Cause anytime that you needed me
I'd be there
It's like You were my favorite drug
The only problem is That you was using me
In a different way That I was using you

Yea. I felt i've been used. When that someone ask me to accompany, the very moment itself i said yes, regardless of what i was doing or going to do. But when i ask, i got a reply of one word sms "Later" and i replied, "huh? What time?"
and then no more. No more reply. Got me thinking and waiting, what is this supposed to mean?

3-4 hours later, a call came from that person and in the background, i could hear joyous laughter and all that was said was "i replied to the wrong person". And that person wasn't even apologetic, but infact was laughing!

Maybe i'm being emotional here but when i think back, i realised it's not the first time. Time and time again, that person backed out on me the very last minute. I realised that whenever that person need someone, i'm always there. In a minute.

But it's the opposite with me. That person is always not there when i need someone. I always make excuses for that person. Maybe just too busy, or didnt notice etc but today just proved i'm wrong all these while.

I seriously hope i'm wrong cos i dont wanna lose a good friend. Felt like i've already lost my uni friends, and now this. Friends are getting lesser and lesser.

Hm...i'm hoping this is just a growing phase for me. A phase for me to learn things, understand things and hopefully, this phase would be better soon. Keep on telling myself, this will past, it's all just a process of growing emotionally. This WILL past.

Soon hopefully.